Monday, 8 March 2010

Pomp Without Circumstance: Oscars -- The Musical!

I was originally considering writing a proper prose-style article on this year's Oscars and how awful they were, but, considering how devoid the Oscars were of proper musical numbers (five, to be exact), here's my Oscar recap this year -- in song!

All lyrics in italics are sung by the Chorus.

ACT I: The Opening Number

(Curtains open. NOMINEES stand awkwardly on stage as Chorus sings.)

Hello, hello,
So nice to see you here!
Please don't change the channel!
Don't go and get that beer!

Nominees: Oh, we're so lucky to--

But wait! But wait!
Martin Short is late!
Oh, to Neil Patrick Harris
We'll have to delegate!

Nominees: Oh, we're so lucky to--

Ladies and gentlemen, your time is UP!

(A miniature house, identical to the one in "UP", blows in from stage left and crashes on stage. NPH emerges in a white tux, flocked by women dressed like Kevin from "UP". Inexplicably, he is wearing red slippers.

He begins singing the opening number.)

"The Same Old Song"
Lyrics, Music, and Orchestration by Neil Patrick Harris
(Minor Contributions by Martin Short)

For those who may not know me,
I'm the one and only
Neil Patrick Harris
And I've come to save your show!

But we don't need saving!

Oh, what do you know?

This isn't the same old song (La-la)
You'll love me before we're done (Woo-hoo!)
I'll be here all night long
So go ahead and call me whatever you want
This isn't the same old song!

(Cabaret-style piano)
This used to be a stunning duet (Cha-cha-cha!)
With someone I've never met
But he's in a tourniquet (We think!)
So I'm all you're gonna get!

I know you don't want someone new
But I sing just as well as Hugh!


And speaking of hosts
Jackman was a joke
Stewart nearly blew it
And Ellen? Don't make me laugh!

So tonight we have two
Especially for you
They had no rehearsal
So they'll have to read the cues...

Who knows how well they'll do!

Oh, this isn't the same old song
You'll love them before we're done
You'll be here all night long
So go ahead and call 'em whatever you want
This isn't

Oh, this isn't

This isn't the same old song!

(Tepid applause. Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin descend from the ceiling flanked by beautiful models.)

Steve: Thank you, thank you! Isn't he great? He really should be hosting this thing.
Alec: Next year, Steve, next year. For those of you who have been living under a rock, or in Pomona, Texas, I'm Alec Baldwin, and he's Steve Martin.
S: We're your hosts, as unlikely as it seems.
A: Guess one of the producers was a little too obsessed with our movie It's Complicated.

(Cut to sullen George Clooney, whose mullet appears to be breathing.)

S: Look at all these stars, man!
A: I know! There's George Clooney! Oh, wait, we already cut to him. Sorry.
S: Don't you just hate it when the teleprompter malfunctions?
A: Oh, yes, Steve. Especially when I'm about to make a telephone call.

(Awkward silence. Steve begins to sing.)

"Look At All These People"
Music and Lyrics by Tina Fey
(C) Sickly Little Mole People, Inc.

Look at all these people!
They all look so lovely!
It must be the bubbly
Or maybe it's the light!

The camera adds ten pounds, you know
I hope you're sitting tight!

A: Steve, what are you doing?
S: What do you think I'm doing?
I'm just here and singing
Is that really a crime?

A: I thought this number
Would've been in double time?

S: Oh, lord, just end it already.

(They retreat backstage. Gagging sound is heard. Cheerful Announcer comes on.)

CA: Hi! You can't see me, but stick around! We have all sorts of wonderful things to see and do! Nine out of ten Americans trust disembodied voices to tell them what to watch!

(The curtain falls.)

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